Chuck Norris facts

[Miguel]

Simple. Just post the (occasionally in-)famous Chuck Norris facts.
Now, I know that some people on the internet don't like Chuck Norris facts. Well if you're one of those people, then I'll tell you this: despite what the voices in your head will tell you, you DON'T need to let the entire world know that you hate Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris facts, and/or the people who make up and share these facts.

We're just kidding around, no need to say we're being blasphemous.

Chuck Norris can not only count backwards and forwards, he can count diagonally and sideways!

And the lord said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT!". And then Chuck Norris said "Say please".

Who would win, Chuck Norris or god? Trick question. Norris is god.

[Silver Stryker]

-It wasn't mantisk who won that little tournament....twas Chuck Norris

-When Goku Beat Kid buu with the spirit bomb, it wasn't the people of earth's energy....juuust chuck norris

-Wolverine's little project X stemmed off of Chuck Norris, ya know...



sorry...2-minute facts lol

[Albireo]

I was gonna open a thread EXACTLY like this, just i didnt know what to call it...

You know how supernovas cause black holes? well supernovas are caused when Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicks.

Why does chuck norris sleep with a nightlight? some say he's afraid of the dark, the fact is, the dark... is afraid of him

those two i heard from my friends.

[Miguel]

When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. The lake gets Chuck Norris'd.

Ever wonder how bacon was created? Chuck Norris karate chopped a pig so many times so all that was left were thin strips of meat. He then cooked them with his fire breathing ability and bacon was invented. His beard suggested the name.

When Chuck Norris has a bad day, people die. When Chuck Norris has a good day... twice as many people die and a few things explode

Chuck Norris once ate a bakery out of business in 7 minutes. He then rid himself of every calorie by thought alone. Not even cake can f**k with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was fired after appearing in one episode of "Lost" after repeatedly questioning why the others couldn't build a Boeing 747 from the wood scattered on the island and be home for the 7 PM viewing of "Walker Texas Ranger" like he did

Chuck Norris once read that if a Leprechaun is captured it is obligated to give its captor the pot of gold that it keeps hidden at the end of a rainbow. Within a half hour Chuck Norris had a basement full of Leprechauns and more gold then Mr. T.

Chuck Norris has issued a press release vowing to kill the entire Internet if he reads the phrase "roundhouse kick" one more goddamn time.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

We all know that Bruce Lee died early in his carreer due to some un-known disease. Well, he died because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in half, resulting in Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touch his shoes.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul

Chuck Norris doesn't trust anything he can't kill. Because of this, Chuck Norris trusts everyone but ghosts, but hes working on a way to roundhouse kick them to death too

Chuck Norris has caught every Pokemon, then he ate them.

Chuck Norris was skipping stones off the coast of New Jersey and accidentally killed 13 people in Europe

After Chuck Norris punches the monkey for a free iPod, the computer he is using immediatly shuts down and gives birth to an iPod that plays music, videos, satellite TV, trims his beard, brushes his teeth, and streams your mom's number across the top at all times.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Except for Chuck Norris. All he has to fear is the he might cause the appacolypse and there won't be any women left for him to have $3x with.

Chuck Norris once found his way into an alternate dimension in which God had decided Chuck was too powerful and had split his strength into several pieces. Chuck left in disgust when he found out that the largest piece was called Goku and spent its time flying around chasing Dragonballs.

[Gilgamesh]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was based off of a true story. Chuck Norris once at four turtles alive. And when he crapped them out, they were 6 foot tall ninjas who knew karate.

[viruszero]

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

"One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.

People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? they simply reply...Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.

Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.

Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.

Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.

Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.

Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris

Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.

The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 160 million miles away

Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.

There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000

The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris

No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!

Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopa**. He makes his own.

Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.

When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.

Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.

When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.

Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living Sh** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the s**t out of little kids.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the f**k he wants.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now the Islands.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

God created heaven and earth, he then created man. Man overpopulated the earth, so, God created Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the f**k off.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.

Originally Chuck Norris was going to be hired to play the role of Jack Bauer on the show "24". The producers changed their minds when they realized the show would last only 17 minutes.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris once asked a person how to get to the gym, after the person told him, Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face for telling him what to do.

When Chuck Norris claps, he doesn't use his hands. Rather, he finds the two closest people and slams them together repeatedly.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparallelled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was complete, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and stole his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, admits he should have seen it coming and couldn't stay mad for long. They now play poker every tuesday.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. That has nothing do do with his ancestry. The man ate a whole indian.

As for Jackie Chan, He was in the movie The Tuxedo, instantly stripping him of his manhood.
Steven Segal is mounted above Chuck Norris' fireplace in his oklahoma home. Before he was locked in a cage and randomly and submissively beaten by chuck.
Jean Claude Van Damme died in a freak "had an appendage hastily removed after doing the splits on a chair and one of the chairs being roundhouse kicked out from underneath him" accident.
Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme bada**. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
Luckily for Mr. T., him and Chuck Norris have remained good friends throughout the years.
that covers any and every possible martial aritst/ t.v. bada** ever.
MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.


Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to do every girl in the stadium.

[Flash The Reploid]

ive met him in real life

[Miguel]

If at first you don't suceed, then you are most deffinitly not Chuck Norris.

As a small child, Chuck Norris had a pet iguana. While briefly suffering from the only cold he ever had, Chuck Norris lightly sneezed on it, knocking it out. Believing it to be dead, Chuck flushed it down the toilet. A month later, the monsterous behemoth known as "Godzilla" rose from the sea to decimate the city of Tokyo.

The origion of Optimus Prime originally being a doc woring bot named Orion Pax is alie. The truth is that Chuck Norris' sperm got into the fuel tank of a cab over truck while he was doing a chick in it.

In the X-men movie, none of the powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris stunt doubled for all the actors.

Chuck Norris once beat the entire collective Eliete Fours from all Pokemon adventures using just a level 1 Happinny. He did it by saying "screw you" to the traditional method of making the Pokmon fight each other and round-house kicked all the pokemon in the genetalia himself.

The reason the earth is full of liquid hot magma is because Chuck Norris pissed on the ground, and it burned a hole straight through to the centre of the earth

Contrary to what we're told, Unicron is actually a kidney stone that got one of Chuck's sperm stuck to it when he passed it.

If God created the universe, then who created God? Chuck Norris.

The reason all the planets in the milky way galaxy are devoid of life is because Chuck Norris beat NASA into space.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter!

The way the wind blows depends on which direction in which Chuck Norris is kicking azz.

Chuck Norris doesn't open up a can of whoop-azz. He makes fresh whoop-azz himself.

Chuck Norris is the first black man to have white skin and red hair.

Chuck Norris does not have a house of his own. He just enters random houses and the occupants move out.

Chuck Norris invented the ghost.

The werewolf myth is actually based on a true story. Chuck Norris once didn't shave an entire month until after the night of the full moon, and he rampaged at an english village for fun.

Fire was invented when Chuck Norris went back in time and breathed extra hard on a piece of wood.

The first dragon was born when Chuck Norris round-house kicked a Tyranosaurs Rex who then laid eggs, and the baby T-Rexs were born with wings for getting away from Chuck Norris

[Flash The Reploid]

guys hahahhahahh stop
!!! i cant breath!! hahahaa hahahaha my face and stomch are aching
stop!!!

[Omega]

Chuck Norris Invented the Ipod.

Michael Jackson was a clone of Chuck Norris gone teribly wrong.

Chuck Norris's role model is Mrs. Doubtfire.

If you bother Chuck Norris during Grey's Anatomy he'll, like, totally be pissed at you for weeks.


Chuck Norris was fired and arrested from his job at a Dallas Texas school after a video showed him smelling the football players jock straps. He was taken into custody oddly enough by a real Texas Ranger named Walker.

[Miguel]

omega1237 said:

Chuck Norris Invented the Ipod.

Michael Jackson was a clone of Chuck Norris gone teribly wrong.

Chuck Norris's role model is Mrs. Doubtfire.

If you bother Chuck Norris during Grey's Anatomy he'll, like, totally be pissed at you for weeks.


Chuck Norris was fired and arrested from his job at a Dallas Texas school after a video showed him smelling the football players jock straps. He was taken into custody oddly enough by a real Texas Ranger named Walker.

Those are NOT Chuck Norris facts by the common deffinition. I'd count that as stating your hatred for Chuck Norris AND homo-sexuals (the last one).

The theroys about why the dinosaurs died out were all wrong. Except for the one about the meteor. It was closest. The truth is that Chuck Norris fell from the sky and punched the ground.

[Flash The Reploid]

the only thing Chuck Norris is afraid of is his own round house kick

Godzilla was ultimately defeated by Chuck Norris

the reason the boogy man doesn't exist is because of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris killed the radio star

the dodo went extinct because of Chuck Norris

Saddam was found by Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris created gravity

Chuck Norris chucked the wood chuck

Chuck Norris invented the Hadoken

Chuck Norris has DA Powah of Sparta,

this isn't Daniel Cook, This Is Chuck Norris

[Sorrum]

When God said "Let there be light" Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the darkness away.

When Chuck Norris splashes someone in the pool, it causes a tsunami.

Tornado are made when Chuck Norris kicks the air.

Black Holes are a creative name for places that people have been roundhoused out of the universe by Chuck Norris.

Osama Bin Laden has added at the end of all his videos that his insults are not directed at Chuck Norris in any way.

At the end of the Guiness World Records book, there is a picture of Chuck Norris sitting in a chair by a fire, and the text below it says "Chuck Norris holds all records in the world, the names listed in the book are just the people who have gotten closest to breaking one of them."

Chuck Norris's beard has a fist in it.

When Chuck Norris dies, the earth will rotten, and the sun will explode, killing everyone. Just kidding, Chuck Norris can't die.

Chuck norris doesn't burn, fire gets Chuck Norrised.

On Chuck Norris's front door, it says "Chuck Norris' House." And it has a picture of him, roundhouse kicking a barn in half. The best home security.

Chuck Norris doesn't have skeletons in his closet, he has dead grim reapers in his closet.

If someone said, "Chuck Norris" 3 times repeadetly, their bones would grind to dust, and their muscles would rip themselves apart.

Chuck Norris once set a man on fire, then another, then another. Until he was satisfied. He threw the ball of fire into space, and that ball of fire is now the sun.

The moon was going to crash into earth, until it saw Chuck Norris. Then it orbited the earth, because Chuck Norris was the best defense.

The asteroid belt is actually Chuck Norris's birthstone ripped into tiny pieces.

Chuck Norris counted too infinity. TWICE.

[Gilgamesh]

The only way to defeat Chuck Norris is to make him kick at the speed of light. The kick would rip open a portal and his foot would come out of it and kick his own nuts. Too bad that Chuck Norris never kicks slower than twice the speed of light.

[Sorrum]

Chuck Norris never cries. If he did, the world wouldn't be able to support the weight of one tear drop, and it would split in half.