My past

[randomdrifter865]

Will I always be tormented by my past? For a long time now I have made a lot of improvements with myself that I feel that I am slowly reverting to what I used to be. A product of my past is what you could say or some a shadow that never was accepted to see the light. The person I am now is of all that negativity stirred strong in my heart and soul ... I remember being hated simply because I was a completely different kid with a few problems way back then. I remember being picked on so much that I couldn't even socialize with anyone except when asked to do something or whatever else I guess... Heck I remember being so quiet so isolated from the good things life had to offer taken away from me at a very young age by those who rejected my being for being different those many years ago. I was that deprived and as a result you could say I have become the opposite of how I was originally supposed to be after all that. The one thing I have learned from it is I will never move on as much as I try to tear it out of me as much as I try to hide those darn things. it will always grow back to me like a parasite constantly feeding on me till the day I crack I guess... Or is it the day I will finally accept who I should be. The thing is I was never originally a cheery person and never will be. In fact the person you read and respond to posts to is just a mask of the former self kept in check mentally. I have overcome a lot of obstacles this way for a long time. What is your take Gentlemen and ladies? What I am saying is quite true and it is something I don't normally post either. So for me this is quite a hard thing to say to those who don't truly know me beside being this quirky, smart and somewhat feminine person that I am around my freinds and you guys on here. Thanks for your time reading this.

[Miguel]

Well, it seems like you're going through some troubles Eye Are El, Mr. Drifter.

I'm tempted to tell you something along the lines of 'noone here cares about these problems, we've all got troubles here and whining about them to a bunch of faceless internet beings would do nothing to help solve them.'

But I won't. I believe in brutal honesty, and I am a smartarse by both self-proclamation and by the confirmation of others, but even I have my limits.

Instead, I'm going to just give you this simple piece of advice: forget. Just, forget.
From the vauge details you've given, I think I can sympathize with your problem, but I don't let them get to me.
I have an atroucious memory, and I don't really retain alot of memories. My problems feel distant thanks to that, and they only come to the surface when douchebags decide to remind me of them.
But I ignore said bags of douche, and once they tire of taunting the walls, they go away.

Just forget. Forget who you were, forget who people saw you as. Keep only the mistakes you made, learn from them, and forever strive to become a better person. Hope that helps.

[Silver Stryker]

You sound just like me.

You can keep continuing your mask of kindness.

or you could perhaps forget like Miguel. I've tried both ways too(and I can relate to Miguel in that my memore is pretty short too)

but I found a third way in which may not work for everyone, but works for me very well. I have alot of pride. Because of it, I decide that I don't want to be a simple improvement, but rather a super anomaly. I say **ck striving to normalness. I strive to become alot better, to the point that I insult and belittle others because I'm better than them. Why? because as a child, I was nothing, surprisingly nothing despite the events that one would think would guide a child to become something to be remembered at the very least. But no. As I grew, I grew ignored, sometimes disliked no matter what I did, and thus built the hatred inside me of all people on earth. Instead of going crazy, or denying my true self, I used it in a way that I can still call myself sane: competition. Inf the form of fighting. Many people doing, but that's beside the point. All I can say is find what's best for you(mainly because I went to lunch, came back and lost my focus. lol)

[shicmuri]

really i never would have guessed you seam like your so calm.

I was the one who would ignore people because the were too normal(i don't like normal its not right). But i met one person who might actually be weirder than me (thats really hard to do) and i talked to him and we started hangin out now i see alot of weird people that are weird but not weird enough to be close friends just friends. Now ive started getting really dark (not goth just dark) and maybe its just me but I think its kinda weird to like being dark and evil-like.

[randomdrifter865]

It a very hard thing to forget because it is a part of me that can't be let go. That is true of what you are all saying. The funny thing really is I was expected to be this person who would do the same because his life was crap. However the one thing I can't forget is that I've became stronger and the opposite of how most could be if things were that terrible. Today I am a person who is always there for the people who I care about. I care for them like family. The one thing I have said out of thought is my sister. She got lucky I guess and I am glad she didn't have to suffer like I did... However whatever she didn't get in the beginning she would get later and in a way she looks up to me because I have experienced the brunt of a lot of things. I am glad I could always help her however I am unsure how to get her out of that predicament because I don't want her to end up regretting who she is and having these problems as well.

[Silver Stryker]

Well I'm glad you have the want to help people. I wish I had it. To be honest, my views cause me to either not care about people or sometimes even want to hurt them. I dunno why, but some deep part of me is slightly sadistic I guess. It is this part that stimulates all of my negative emotions(jealousy, anger, hatred, pride. Believe it or not, I like to be sad or angry more often than happy. I'd love to be neutral, but my neutral expression looks like I'm sad and lonely or something and I hate that, therefore I have no neutral emotion...). My mind has settled onto returning the favor of what happened to me(being ignored), so I can never usually feel any obligation to want to help others unless I get something out of it. lucky you.

[shicmuri]

i would like to help people but theres one HUGE problem,if it doesn't have to do with me i don't care. not being mean or anything its just the way i am if i cared i wouldn't be the way i am now and i like the way i am now

[Flash The Reploid]

And That helps this topic how?

[Silver Stryker]

By relating and thus, possibly assuring that Drift isn't alone on the way his life is going through.

[randomdrifter865]

True there is that barrier Shicmuri however the way I see things about that is to go passed it and leave things open for it. The one thing I have said to anybody or a friend is just talk to me. If you don't wanna talk I'll be with you in spirit even it has nothing to do with me. The thing is I hate seeing people sad and I hate violence between good Friends to me those are the worst things ever at this point of life anyone could do to each other or to themselves. Some things are best left alone as well don't get me wrong about that one either. My life has always been somewhat of that of a lone wolf who has yet to find his purpose. I have dreams and that is true of what my attentions are.

[viruszero]

The hotter the fire, the stronger the steel... isn't that how it goes?

You have weathered many things from the sounds of it, and though forgetting the problems may seem helpful, it's quite difficult to actually do because they sit in your mind and corrode your thoughts like a poison... Eating away at you until you cannot take it anymore.

Thusly, I say get rid of them in another manner. That being to address them, remember them, learn from them. Get them out of you by writing them down if you must. Take pen to paper and write until the pen runs dry if that's how long it takes. Once that aspect is done you can move on.

Ok, this may not be a perfect example, but it shall suffice. If you draw 3 quarters of a circle then walk away that task may bother you becuase it was left incomplete, but if you draw the whole circle you more easily move onto the next thing. This same idea holds here, the past may not have been addressed enough for you to move on yet.
I would also recommend that you talk to someone you trust completely about whatever situation(s) is/are on your mind. (Your school's counselor, a teacher, or if you feel like you can talk to a parent/guardian figure about it, then possibly them as well.)

Whatever it is that is troubling you, you have the strength already to fight it, you've already survived it before, now you can lay it to rest once and for all. And above all, if you need help, do NOT hesitate to ask for it. Despite how it may feel at times, no one in this world is ever truely alone... Not until they give up on themselves.

[Albireo]

I say this

"That's before, this is now"

And it's worked quite well, in the end no one can let go of a part of themselves, even if it's the bad part of it. Why? Because it's a part of who we are.

Simply forgetting won't get you anywhere, letting it get to you, will push you steps back. But that's because you're letting it get to you, don't mind it, and walk forward, how it's eating at you isn't something I know, but think of it like this.

"It's the past", and the past should remain the past. Why this is getting to you, I can probably guess. You're sort of afraid of it yes? If so, don't be, why should you be afraid of yourself? No one should be, you shouldn't be afraid of the person you once were.

Embrace it, accept it, if it's a part of you, there's no reason to be afraid or to reject it. Don't forget it either, no matter what, the past isn't something you should run from.

[randomdrifter865]

Point be true that past has made me stronger and a better person in many ways the only drawback is it still remains and as soon as I think about it or remember something similer to it I am back there were I have fought so hard to get out of that state of mind. It's like a never ending cycle of torment just waiting to rear its fangs at me and destroy what I am now back to this lonely shadow of what could have been my possible outcome for myself hadn't I changed for the better. But, I refuse to give up and I refuse to return to that heap of useless flesh who can't get his act straight at all. The one thing I have wished to never happen is to lose all that I've have strived to be better because I can't accept my past. In a way if I were to accept that part maybe I could fight it toe to toe and finally escape this time from that bondage from my inner shadow my young self.

[Storm]

So you're haunted by your past, and you're afraid you're not gonna like yourself after this past of your has changed your personality? That's how I understood it, anyways, so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Now, I've overcome such a problem myself. I used to be a happy little boy, who played and laughed and ran around doing fun stuff. Then a lot of bad stuff happened in my life, and I was bullied in school. I fell out of the social circle when all my friends told me to take a hike. So, I was lonely for a very long time.

Eventually, I got into a new school, and I just tried to not raise any attention. I was scarred by the things I had gone through in life, and they had changed me.

Honestly, I'm in a lot better a place now than what I was back then. It's only a matter of learning the primal ways of strength and honor. You want something? Obtain it. By any means necessary (preferably within the law, though). I wanted to be the same, laughing little boy I was back then, so I started laughing. Simple 'nuff. Heck, I discovered that all the bad stuff in my life served as a strengthening lesson in life. I'm not bullied anymore, 'cos I stand up to myself and those around me. I don't have my opinions suppressed by foolish people anymore, 'cos I'll just shout over their attempt at silencing me. I feel loved and happy, 'cos I've made a lot of friends by having fun and laughing, and giving joy to those around me. And I struggle every single day to keep it that way.

You got a problem with who you are today? You feel it just isn't you? Then be who you really are, and let nothing stop you! A strong heart is not something you lack, it's just something you don't realize to use. At this point, I'd usually add "So quit yer whinin' and take what's yours, weak little grasshopper!", but I doubt it would serve much good without me pumping my arm in a manly fashion while delivering said line.

See, I made a joke right at the end. It made someone out there smile, I'm sure. Even when facing such a difficult and grim problem, I am who I am. Never be pushed down, brotha'.

[Sorrum]

Welcome back Storm. Also, I agree with everything you just said.